Yesterday watching the premier of the walking dead my childhood trauma was triggered. I hate the sinking hole in my stomach , the paralyzing fear & shame I feel . I hate that at 36 years old a man that has not been in my life for over 20 years still has such an affect on me.
The bruise’s have long gone away but the way he broke me down time and time again have invaded every part of my life. Surviving him made me stong & I wore that strength like an armor but the amour has gotten. to heavy to carry .
I take things on that scary me usually without thinking it through first because I don’t want anything to have power over me the way he did. There is part of me that still believes what he yell at me when he raged : how I ruin everything I touch , how good for nothing I am , how stupid I am. When I fail at things these words echo so loud. I would give anything to get his voice out of my head.
I have written letters, I have confronted him , I have had counseling , I have forgiven him. So WHY & HOW does something on T.V. bring me right back to my childhood?
Times like these I wonder who I would of been if he never but his hands on me? If he were the father my children have ? Would it be easier for me to connect with people ? Would I be less destructive? What would it be like not operate in survival mode? Because even now when my life is so different from my childhood I still operate out of fear.
I hate he can live his life while I have to pay the price for his abuse. I am grateful these feelings are not my everyday because it is lonely and scary place to be. I share this because I want others to know they are not alone or crazy or feeling sorry for themselves.
Abuse has a lasting effect I have used it as motivation to accomplish my goals and as a what not do or allow in my life ever again. I was reminded yesterday that there’s still work to be done and I need to spend more time on self care.
Here’s is a link to article about abusers tactics.
Time for healing !
Time for healing