COMING INTO RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR KIDS {EPISODE 2}

Updated: 5 days ago




COMING INTO RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR KIDS {EPISODE 2}

This episode we are kicking with my homegirl Laurie we are talking about her role as an educator in the public school system and her transition into homeschooling. We discuss how we came into relationship with our kids and response to a facebook post about parenting advice.


Trigger warning I am talking about my abuse and the fears it created in raising my daughter. I want to make it clear that I am not victim blaming the use of the word "allowing" is me being honest of where I was as a twenty year old single mom navigating parenting. Our fears are not always based in correctness So before you come for me please know I will always choose to my authenticity sharing from my truth even when its uncomfortable.

Enjoy raising empowered people ! Your Host Tiffany Sandoval

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Transcript

Tiffany

Welcome to the homeschooling homegirls podcast. Join us as we take up space by sharing our BIPOC experiences in the homeschool unschool world. I'm your host, Tiffany Sandoval. I spent most of the last 19 years in the homeschool unschool world listening to the advice from narratives that did not include me or anyone that was not from the white or white adjacent lived experience. This podcast is about elevating the voices that for far too long, have been silenced in the name of white fragility. My hope is that by sharing our stories, others can see that homeschooling and unschooling is one of many paths to raise empowered, educated people. stories will be shared from lived experiences, not theories, and different perspectives are encouraged to grab your coffee or your cocktail. And join us as we expand our perspectives.


Welcome this episode we're kicking it with my homegirl Laurie, and we're going to talk about her role as an educator in the public school system for transition into homeschooling. This conversation was sparked when I read her response to a Facebook post about parenting advice. And I thought it was a really good conversation to have. Because a lot of the parenting advice out there is about creating safer spaces for your kids by putting parts of yourself away. Lori's a homeschooling mom of three, the editor of the homeschooler post. You can find her on Facebook groups under freedom circle, and you can find her on Instagram with the hashtag, teach love. Join us as we talk about the education system and how we come into religion. ship with our children on our homeschool journey.


Lauire

Hi, I'm Laurie, I'm a homeschooling mom. I'm a person in the world when you exist as a whole person, and you have to introduce yourself as one thing. It's like,well, who am I Vanna in a soundbite, right?


Tiffany

This idea that we are what we do like who we take care of how we provide for people how that's not really who we are, but we've been doing it for so long that like we who is Tiffany who is Laurie, without it being tied to a person or a title. I totally get that. So I reached out because I will I really liked that post you posted on there. That topic he posted about being honest with our kids.


Lauire

I could read it ? Scchools will announced fall plans soon. I imagine everyone will be unhappy. Remember, you help determine your child's out attitude. Be angry or sad in private, discuss your frustrations away from your kids set them up for success by teaching them to make the best of it. Be a sounding board for their worries and disappointments, but stay positive and model perseverance.That's just so much garbage to me. Especially that part of, you know, just just be angry or sad and private, like,how do you hide these types of emotions from your kids? And if we're setting them up for success in the school system, and it means we have to be private about the true feelings of this pandemic and the worry What does that say? for our kids? And what does that say about success in this system? That worries me.


Tiffany

Raised and the trauma I was raised in, we were all instructed to not have feelings, basically. And so when you're raising children, and especially you're trying to reach people that have autonomy over how they feel, a lot of the times I did that, like I, all my kids saw me do was retreat. That also damaged the relationships because they saw me like disengage, and they didn't understand why. And so to me, I'm like, well, best of the two evils. With Logan, I've learned that it's okay for me to be angry that it's okay for me to have feelings. It's not okay for me to take them out on anybody, but for them to see that I have them isn't bad.


Lauire

Right, right. And, and I yeah, I grew up similarly. We grew up around a lot of domestic violence. And it was how do you leave domestic violence? How do you leave somebody you love if they're hurting you? And her answer was always you stay angry. Because when you you're angry, you're not vulnerable. And so you stay in that anger and you move past everything. And you're, you're powerful, right in your anger. But as I got older, that didn't serve me, and I also realized that while I went through the whole school system myself, there was a certain pattern to how that worked. And anger was certainly not a part of that. Especially when it comes when it came to my own kids in school, and how they maneuvered and how our, you know, My son was seen in the school system with his body and his color and his hair and his image and all the labels that were placed on him. He was certainly not allowed to be angry, because any any type of anger that he does splayed was viewed as a threat, especially in the school system. So once we got home and we started homeschooling, it was really just how do how do I teach my kids gentility? How do I let the anger go and still use it to help me navigate through tough things in the world, but also navigate the gentle part of my family and work with my kids in a different way. And that that was something new for me. It was, and it was really difficult.


Tiffany

I think that's what we don't talk about, like the difficult like, I remember trying to have that conversation at a conference. Because I was raised in abuse. And I learned that nobody was going to protect me but me. So having a child that was so opposite of that, that on the playground as somebody hit her pushed her took something for her, and she would just get up and go do something else or play with someone else. I wanted to instill, like, No, you need to show people that you they can't do that to you. And I was young, I must have been in my early 20s. And so I'm looking at all these people at this conference, and nobody looks like me. And I'm asked, and I finally got the courage to ask that question, like, how do I instill that like, because it might be my perspective, she was gonna be like, the all the other women in our family who allowed people to put their hands on them. And, and I did too. So as much as I knew it was wrong. And as much as I hated it, I would seek out those relationships because they felt normal to me. And I thought that six years old on the playground, or five years old, that that's what I was setting my kid up. And so I'm seeing what I know, to be true for the way that I was raised. And somebody on a conference stage telling me that basically, I'm a horrible parent. You know what What I want my kid to be violent bla bla bla bla bla, and I was so defeated once again, it was just like, Oh, I don't fit in this world because they don't understand that I'm not coming from a household where I was safe. I've never been safe, and I'm trying to raise I'm trying to give my kids safety and raise them as whole people. But I don't fucking know what that's like. So I'm looking at you people that say you have all the answers. And now you're you're shaming me because I'm asking how I protect my kid because you don't see it that way. So I, I think that that voice that your voice and when you talk about perspectives like that, like, you know,


Lauire

That's really what the school system is. And, you know, while I was working in the classroom,the kids knew this when you tried to sell them alive. You know, we had to do this. It was check your stuff at the door. I have an agenda. My agenda is to teach you X, Y and Z for this subject matter. So check whatever business you have at the door. do with it on your own time, I have to get through an agenda. And that was so silencing for my students. And as I learned, you know, what worked for them, I realized they had a lot they were coming to me with, and they didn't have spaces where they could critically think about it or, you know, work because they didn't have those safe spaces either, right? They had to just respond and live and survive. And as, as we started working through things in the classroom, they couldn't access the nonsense of the curriculum that I was trying to teach in my agenda, when they had all these real problems. And I remember one year I literally had a child who was laying on the floor, full out like a toddler style tantrum kicking desks and screaming, shouting, throwing things and We were in sixth grade, you know, he's 12 years old. He's throwing throwing a tantrum. And then finally, I was like, You know what, let's just stop. Let's stop all this. And let's tend to him there's got to be some reason why he's kicking and screaming. So we did. And as I talked to him privately and found out about his life, he'd gone through homelessness. He had lost his father, to drugs. He was trying to come to terms with dealing with that. And his mom was trying to figure out how to keep him in the classroom during the day so she could go to work and not have to come pick him up, because he couldn't handle it. And I'm standing here trying to teach her about grammar, right, like,who cares about commas right now like this kid's life is in is in desperate need of care and health. And concern and I'm supposed to just expect him to check all those deep, crazy, like, my life altering concerns at the door so he could talk to me about commas. I mean, it was just so absurd to me. And so I was like, okay, we're changing everything. And so that's when I started changing things in my classroom, I started opening up, okay, what's going on in the world? Whenever there was a problem, it's like, okay, we're not gonna deal with. We're not gonna deal with commas today. Let's talk about the issue on the yard. Let's talk about the issues in our life. Let's talk about these things. And the, the administration hated it. You know, I got I was labeled, being all these things. But my kids started responding. And then over the years, I became that teacher that kids would ask for when they just couldn't hack it in their classroom anymore. And it was like, you know, it's just Send me to send me to miss grace this class Shall I just need time to talk to her. And that's it became a place of just dealing with the truth, the truth in these kids lives and identifying who they are and what kind of things they were dealing with in the world. And I remember that one of the last years I was teaching. These kids came to me and they said, Miss Grassi, you helped us find a family. And I was like, What are you talking about? Like, that's cute, you know? Okay. They're like, no, like, we just realized none of us knew we had been in school together for you know, since elementary school. And we just realized today we're all foster kids. And we can be each other's family was like, Oh, snap like that, like they they legit connected on it. And they didn't even know these like truths about their own homes and they've been friends for years. And so the silencing and the checking of yourself at the door is over. thing you know. And so I saw happening with my kids, and I just I didn't want to be part of that anymore. And it's, it's important to make that change, and especially now that we schools are considering going back, and how this this pandemics affecting all of us, it's important to consider what are we asking our kids to put aside, when really they can help us that our kids have this incredible way of helping us and instead of silencing them and making them wonder and float around the world for years, wondering who they are, why don't we help them build connections through those things? Right, right now everybody is so afraid. We have to put our kids back in school because they're going to fall behind. What are they falling behind in? They're going to get a year to stay home, you know, for us to figure out our community, for us to restructure our world for them to see people come together. For them to see the world change before their eyes to see how entire structures and spaces of people can make something work to survive and to, to help them live, instead of confining them to say, Okay, well we're just going to lose X percent of the population. Let's do this. Oh, looks at those numbers and says, All right, cool. Let's let's just, you know, let's let this percentage go. We're cool with that. Like, why aren't we have to be comfortable and shifting, we have to start becoming comfortable in the unknown in, in, in trying new things and changing what we have and really being honest with what our changes mean for others. People and ourselves.


Tiffany

That's a lot of how like, how do you do that? Like how did you go from a teacher minded person to shifting out of that?


Lauire

Because school is not made for us. Like we know this school is not designed for us. School was designed to kill the Indian save the man. School was designed to educate us for professional middle class America, right? It gave us the basic worker skills. How does that serve? How does that intention serve? The average home girl, right? How does that serve people in our community. So whenever people ask me, you know, how do I know where to start homeschooling? I'm afraid to start homeschooling. How am I supposed to do all of their education at home? You love your kid, they're your baby. You've taken care of them this long, they're still alive. Bonus points, right? Like, they're still going. Because sometimes that's all we can do in the day is just make sure we're fed, make sure we're alive, make sure we're together. And that's that's the whole job in itself sometimes. And so solving these other problems, you know, you just give them what you need, and give them what you need it and then little by little, let them open up to you about what they may need.


I was watching a video on a native speaker, and he was talking about grandmothers and how, you know grandmothers wake up at four in the morning and they tend to offer They're plants and they seem to them and they talk to them and they watered them. And then they wake up all their children and they go in and they fuss on them. And they're blessing them. And they're, they're cherishing each child individually, you know, and it doesn't matter who comes through the grandmothers store, whether it's the kid that went to college, or the kid that went to jail, or the kid that was on drugs and steals her money, or the kid that, you know, is just living in the neighborhood, like whatever it is, all of her kids are her grandkids, and they're all the same. And she tells them all, they're all blessings, and she cherishes them all. And you know, I know, there are times we look at each other in our families, and we think like, how did that happen? Or how did that person become that way? Right? But our grandmothers always see us the same and And they see the, just the vastness of our whole universe though our whole selves, and our all of our possibilities and what we bring to the world. And I think that's so beautiful in that, for our grandmothers to look at us, and we don't have to be somebody, you know, we don't have to live up to a label or become something or change ourselves. Because they take us you know, some of us don't have grandmothers like this, but for those of us who do we know that they take us exactly how we are. And and there's space for us, there's a plate for us, there's there's somewhere for us to return to, whenever we're need a minute from who we are and you know, just Like she tends to all her plants, she tends to all her children. And I, I just want to continue that, and make that space with my own kids and, and see the diversity in the world and know that everyone has a purpose. You know, and even when we lose our way, even when we think we're not growing, even if you know, we get chopped down, we serve a purpose and it's medicine. Everything we do is healing for somebody or a message for somebody. And so I just really took that to heart and I try to look at my kids as the medicine I need, you know, to to learn this the things that they're trying to teach because they're their own universe. And they, they just have this ability to create an unfold in front of me. And I don't want to stop that


Tiffany

My grandmother was it was in a very abusive relationship for a for a long time. And so the way she sees us walk through the world, speaking our mind and having autonomy and and and doing things that like in her lifetime was in a reality and how freeing that is to her, like, she may not like the shit we do, but like she, I'm not her favorite grandchild. And I love it because I know that she loves me, even though she may not like me. And there is some kind of shared respect that I you know, I push all the boundaries that make me not an acceptable woman. And even like, there's joy, right? There's joy in her doing that and i and i hope that like my grandchildren and my great grandchildren, like get to, even if they go to school, or they do whatever it like they were raised by people who know what it's like to walk in the world without the shoulds that a wonder I don't know the people that They're gonna meet and create worlds with what do you want people to take away from this podcast?Or this this episode? Or when I told you like homeschooling homework like what is that? I don't know. I mean, I don't want to put you on the spot


Lauire

Homeschooling Homegirls makes me so happy tell you like, because taking homegirls that homeschool. It's so funny because I see I see the juxtaposition of the language and it's like but it's just it's, it's just makes so much sense to me and, and I just, I guess, in all of it, I think people should take away the fact that education is a way of life. It's not something that you you transcribe. It's not something you attend. It's not something that you put in a box on a desk in a corner and complete In a certain amount of hours, our education is life. And, and it's togetherness and our willingness to change. And so, for me homegirls that homeschool. It's just opens up everything for our community and brains make space for all of us who know and recognize the fact that school wasn't made for us. We can step into it if we need to, we can tap into it in that structured way, in the way it serves us, but ultimately it's it's the power for us to reform everything that we thought we were that we were told we were in our community, you know, in and just really designed something that For us and our families as we move forward in the future.


Tiffany

And like I think to it is their life to like, I think this idea of I was raised to believe that adults had all the answers even though I knew as a kid in the chaos of all of it, they did not have the answer. And when I knew things were wrong, I wasn't allowed to trust that and so when you read that part of that article that you were you responded to not being you're not bringing your whole cells to be to give a safer space for your kid I think it creates this false narrative that they learn that they can't trust you if you can't be whole and come angry, upset, worried like you were then how are they supposed to come to you that way? Because you've just instructed like, that just never happens. Now that I'm that fear, no longer drive drove me for so long that even all those fears that I wasn't addressing of how my kid was going to turn out what the hell I was doing trying to fight everybody that love my children that was also like, What the fuck are you doing? And then still try to listen to who they were what they were telling me and how they were learning like that was really overwhelming and then deprogramming my own. You know, I always think it's funny when we think we have it right and we're realizing like, Oh shit, we don't and it takes our kid to be like, Yeah, no, that's not okay. But you're like shit, I was doing so good. I thought it was really understanding each child and their nature the way we care for plants going back to that grandmother. You know, we care for our kids, through music through song through nature, and identifying What works in their universe. And if we can do that at home, if we could do that within our own communities, it's so powerful. It's so powerful, especially when you think of, you know, expertise is not going to happen in the classroom all the time for everybody. Some people are going to find their expertise, you know, working on cars, working in the garden, working on a fish tank, working on a computer, and some in isolation, some in groups, it just depends on the person. And I think by taking our kids back to by taking our kids back to giving them those resources and that freedom within the community and really redesigning education into something that works to help people in their local area is really key to getting through all of this


Educating my kids at home, I felt like I was giving them a disadvantage in some places when I was taking away all the things that I was given, right, like, because they didn't fit the homeschool narrative that I was being told to write the reality of like when you live in community and you're making decisions in community, or like in this family like these certain things, you know, are priorities. And if they're not your priority, then how are we going to navigate it? Like you get input just as much as I do. But at the end of the day, I'm managing three lives and you're one of those three lives so I'm going to have to, it's not always going to be fair, that was the one question I get, like, how do you make this fair when you're raising multiple children? There is no fair because what one kid needs and you try to apply that same thing to the next one. They don't even need it. Then how fair is that? You can't, some kids, it goes back to the favorites. Somebody's like, you know, like, oh, they're your favorite. No. They're just the Kid I resonate more with, right, like we have more in common. So it looks like that from your end and like, but I got to really try here and then either you meet me or you don't but then that's our relationship.


Lauire

You know, so, and one of the biggest things that I always have to remind myself is, I'm preparing my kids for a world that doesn't exist yet. And I don't know, you know, five or six years ago, when I was taking my son out of school, there was no way for me to understand what the tech world was really doing in terms of gaming and eSports. And just the possibilities that are really endless and, and marketing and YouTube and the kids that are having YouTube careers right now. You know, I never would have dreamed what it is. But now that I've seen my son, and I've seen all these kids on YouTube, do their thing. and manage their careers. And people are creating pathways for children in tech. It's changing, and it's changing fast. And my responsibility is shifted so much from educating my child in the basics of standardized education to really preparing him for a world that doesn't exist yet. And trusting that he's going to navigate his own interests, his own education and his own learning, to support whatever it is he wants to do. And what if I support him in doing that, and he feels supported and doing that, then really, it's limitless. And we can enjoy that philosophy of the world needs to change in it needs to change now, right. So if I have to let go And I have to understand that he's going to be safe and make this work for him. All my kids are really because the world that I graduated into and entered into the workforce that doesn't exist anymore. The classroom education classroom education that I was trained to do that doesn't exist anymore. Even as you know, the way corporate works that my husband's working in in the last 10 years, his job has changed so much. So it's um it's really interesting to see exactly how much we have to let go in order to be successful. And the more willing we are to change the more I see that my kids will be okay.


Tiffany

Hey I'm glad for this conversation , because it's real, It's not stuff I heard before. Like, you know, I walked into a world where everybody was like, had it on point everybody was telling you how to do something and everybody was. And if you didn't, then you must be doing something wrong. And I think giving us space to even be in community and have difference of opinions or maybe I'm not there yet or you're not there yet and giving space for that. When I think about homeschooling homegirls to me, it's like we're living in this world whether we grew up in the public right fences are we were in the neighborhood. We're, we're creating these realities that we shouldn't and a lot of times people look at us like we shouldn't be in. But to me, I'm like, these are the ways my grandmother grew up. Right learning like in a community, learning real world stuff like she didn't go to school if she was resilient.


Lauire

Yeah, exactly. And I love this I love this whole conversation I love I always love going back and forth with you because it's always a good self check to see where I'm at to see how far I've developed see which direction I need to change where I need to pivot and start fresh or you know, just scrap everything and start over. But it's also nice to just see our kids growing and know that you know, there's other people in the world on this journey and and hopefully, that the movement will keep going forward and propelling and adding any more voices to this platform. All right, thanks. Bye.


Tiffany

Bye. Thanks for kicking it with us today. Want to talk about homeschooling and unschooling in between episodes. Follow us on Instagram. At homeschooling home girls. Enjoy the process. Raising empowered people. You got this


Transcribed by https://otter.ai/referrals/MN3WEX5Y


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